Forgiveness

Does forgiveness have a larger affect if it is given by someone to another, or if a person is able to forgive themselves for their own mistakes or misgivings?
Does it mean more to offer forgiveness than to receive it?

I know that I personally find it much easier to forgive others than I do to forgive myself.

It's possible for me to find more examples of this as work. It's as I hold myself to a different set of expectations than I do those around me. I seem to be able to accept that other people are human, and therefore mistakes are inevitable. Yet when I get something wrong myself, I will beat myself up about it for days, weeks, sometimes even longer, even if other people forgive me or reassure me

There are a couple of people in my life who find it exceedingly difficult to forgive themselves for anything. Causing themselves grief for years. Long after the people involved in the incident have moved on from it, and in many cases even forgotten about it.

I can still remember things from my childhood that I did. Such as when I yelled out that I hated my parents. I was probably no more than 4, and really upset at the time. I have no recollection if what had happened leading up to the outburst, but I remember with a sickening feeling the words I shouted out. I don't think I'll ever let it go. There are many other things, that I will not go into here, as I still feel ashamed of them. Some at the time were reckless and fun, but people got hurt. I don't let these things consume me, but if and when I do, for some of those things I still feel guilt. Others are just a memory.

I have a belief that mistakes, bad decisions and moments of impulsiveness will occur, and that it is better in the long term to forgive oneself and learn from the mistake than to carry the guilt. Forgive but maybe not always forget.

I bring up the not always forgetting, for two reasons.  1. Because repetition of the same mistakes is really not a good course of action.  2. I was in an unhealthy relationship for a period of time, and had I forgiven and forgotten everything that person did to me, I'd most likely still be in that horrendous situation.  There came a point, that although I could still forgive, I knew I had to get out, otherwise I would only be able to hold myself accountable for what would of/could of happened to me.

"Forgiveness isn't something we do for others. We do it so we can get well and move on." 
(source unknown)

Mornings

There is something to be said for what sleep can do, and the feeling a person gets when they wake up at the beginning of the morning.

There is always that moment of possibility. Of course sometimes it can last longer than others.
Last night it took me a long time to fall asleep, I had a lot of thoughts in my head. Finally I drifted off, then woke up this morning feeling calm and relaxed. The fact that I've only had 3 hours of sleep hasn't yet sunk in, and I am hoping I make it through the day before the inevitable wave of tiredness hits me.

My work schedule over the past couple of years has been insane. I worked an average work week of 70 hours, pretty much worked 7 days a week, put in a few 20+ hour days in the office, but no matter how stressed or tired I was, there was always, that moment, sometimes fleeting where I would wake up and feel calm. I have come to treasure those moments, and try my best to make them linger as long as possible.

Purpose?

I have met some new people lately, and had some recent conversations which have sent my mind traveling back to my past, and got me thinking about my perspective now v's back then.
There have been a couple of major events in my life which sent me on a certain course. There's also been some smaller things which I experienced which may have either tweaked my course, or perhaps altered my perceptions.

I admit now that I have no idea where this is going, but I was laying here, feeling somewhat awkward and felt the need to write. I am sure to most this wont make much sense. It doesn't help matters that I am writing this on my iPhone and we all know by now how apple likes to autocorrect. Doing my best to catch those as I go, by certain I will miss some.
Anyway, I had a recent conversation with someone regarding the way I was feeling a long time ago. About the struggles I was having in my early 20's trying to determine what the point of life was. Not just my life but life in general. The human race as a whole to be honest. I couldn't figure it out, the thought consumed me. At some point I realized that there was only so much I could do regarding a larger purpose. And rather than beat myself up, I realized that I could make a difference to those around me. If I could walk down the street on the way to work and smile at someone, it may make a difference to their day. If at work I could make a small improvement it could make a difference to someone. If I could appreciate the small things in life, it would make a difference to me.

I still now, almost 10 years later believe the same thing. Is it because I convinced myself that this was right, or did I just accept that it was OK?

I find myself revisiting it. Wondering and speculating.

For some their purpose in life is their kids, or earning enough money to pay the bills, or by the car they want. I've never set my goals that way. I've always felt that we, as part of the earth have a responsibility to ourselves, each other and the environment around us. As such, I get pained when I see or hear of people/events that damage those around them. It makes no sense to me.

I was going to write surely we all have the same goal which is to be happy and live life fully, but then I realized that's not the case. That's just my goal. Certainly I share it with some. Several people in my life have the same goal. Others not so much. And although I had in my mind that fulfillment of those goals would lead to happiness I realized that also is not the case.

Discoveries

I keep trying to find something to write about but I write a few lines and end up finding myself wanting to write about something else.  But I can't quite find it.  It's like when a word gets stuck on the tip of your tongue.  When you know its within your grasp.  You know the feeling of it, but just can't quite find it.  Then a few minutes, hours or sometimes even days later, there it is.  Popping up out of the blue.

Well that "popping up" hasn't quite happened for me yet, so in the mean time its just my ramblings.

While browsing the internet earlier today I came across the photo below:

Cerro Torre - Argentina (I've Reached the End of the World)

from the blog at http://www.stuckincustoms.com

I don't know how much this was touched up post production, but I love the image.  It's like something from another world.  I've seen several images today from parts of our planet that look like they are from a fantasy land. Our planet is such an amazing place with so many surprises.  I've had a hunger to get back to travelling lately and these photos are increasing my appetite. 

I need to figure out where to go to first once I am able to get some time off work.  If you could go anywhere in the world tomorrow where would you go?